I will try to keep this short , but no promises.

Since Sunday I was in bed for 3 days due to a migraine (usually get them often but I have not had a bad one in a long time) Then my throat started to hurt – felt like I was at a concert screaming. Now my throat is all raw. And after my doctor visit, I learned that I have yucky strep throat.  My desire to eat or drink anything is nonexistent. Nothing sounds good nor does anything taste good. My hubby has been sweet by keeping me in my room and not letting me stress about the way the the house looks. Bless his heart.

 

Today I woke up with another migraine and feel like I am toppling off a mountain because I feel like all I cn do is cry. I am crying because I hurt. I a, crying because I feel alone  and I am crying because I am worried if  I have so far given my kids a happy life of memories.

 

One of the movies I watched today to heep my mind off the pain was, “The Book Of Henry” Started out as a lovely movie. This mom was happy and not picky about anything it seemed. She truly just loved her boys and made it seem that they could create a life with such gratitude in whatever creative way they could.

Suddenly her oldest child passes away and that it when it all hit me. My goodness… I suddenly put myself in her place for a moment and I was overcome with such sadness and heartbreak. I truly do not know if I would ever be able to move on in live if I lost one of my kids. I know that I would have to, but I have other children that depends on me. I am their safety net, no way I could abandon them, but I truly have no idea how one can stand up and take the next step in life.

 

I suddenly started watching this movie with questions pouring down myself in puddles of tears. Am I enough for my precious children?Has my lazy moments in life cause them to feel unworthy? Have I smiled enough at them so while we are apart during the day, can the envision my goofy smile and my big rat teeth? Do my hugs I give them daily still make them feel safe in their moments of feeling alone. Have I made enough memories with them that will give them a happy heart. I want my children and husband to know that with all the materials in we are blessed to have, the most expensive and the most worthy, are the moments made with them. I pray that it is my laughter they can hear through the wind of the trees, or all those little kisses I love flutter around their face, that they can see and hear me. I pray that when the kids turn on the music, they take a moment to look back at me and see a mom with a smile on her face and a hand stretched out to them so we can dance together.

I am blessed, fully blessed for the things I have in life. A hard working man that does his best to provide a safe life for us. I am blessed that the children and I have a man in our life that will hold us close to his heart. I am so blessed that I get to her the sweetest “i love you mom” from the most beautiful little faces I am honored to call my children.

It overcame me in a gentle swoosh and a downpour of tears of how much I love my family and even more crazy than that… The the love God has for me is beyond something more then words can explain. The way I can see His eyes in moments, and that smile of happiness you can see as He looks right at you. How blessed I am to have my Father in heaven love me like this PLUS more.

But I can’t help to wonder and worry, if I am bringing happiness to my children  in the way that whenever my body leaves this earth, that they can still feel love I have for them so deeply. I pray that with every butterfly that crosses their path in life, in every gentle breeze and beautiful song they hear, that their heart burts with love they have from their mother. I never want to stop being silly, laughing, playing, being adventurous with them. I pray that a messy house won’t make them feel unloved but more so that they are cherished because we are blessed to have this mess and each other.

This Christmas, it will not be boxes I want them to unwrap. This Christmas I want to create a memory box for them. I want to help them have something so when they feel the little things that are fading away because the older they get, the more important life will take over, burying those memories deeper and deeper.

I know I won’t be able to let the controlling side of me ignoring messes around the house but I pray that the priority will shift a bit so that my family knows that they are more important to me then a clean house. That dancing together makes my heart flutter. My family is a blessing from God and I just want to love them all, the way the Jesus loves.

 

That is my Christmas wish.